Sunday, January 29, 2012

Toilet Humor

When I was growing up, one of my mother's biggest pet peeves was what she liked to refer to as "toilet humor".  You know, things young boys say like "you're a doo-doo head."  If I wanted to get my mouth washed out with soap, that was a sure way to get the rag (okay, okay - it was mostly just a threat, though she made good on it at least once).  Well last night, while we were dining at an "upscale" establishment on the square in Valparaiso, I paused one of our deep discussions about the guy that came in in track pants and a tshirt, the woman with shoulders on her dress that gave her a "v" shape (see below), or the reasons why born-again Christians become born-again to discuss the bathroom.

I'm sure that Snooki could lead us to a whole other realm of toilet humor, but I'm going to leave my feelings on her out of this particular post.  
You see, I was the first to make the trip to the bathroom and I found this.

At this point, you're probably thinking - that looks like a fairly typical bathroom, other than the asshole that threw the paper towel on the floor (sorry that was me - I missed the opening on the gnome-sized trashcan).  Now, to better emphasize the point I'm trying to make - this is the men's room, not a family restroom or a shared men's/women's room.  I opened the door and the first thing I noticed was the chair that almost knocked me over as I walked in.

I looked up from the chair, half-expecting to find a guy with a towel, some cologne and a basket of singles somewhere around here, but no - just an empty chair.  So I went about my business, but the whole time, I'm looking over my shoulder, waiting for someone to ask if I need a hand.  I'm thinking in my head about the large white stain in the middle of the chair and wondering what exactly happened here.  I'm trying to determine if this is some sort of tribute to the Bistro 157 ghost that haunts the bathroom.

Eventually, all of these thoughts passed, I finished up and I exited (after I snapped a quick photo).  But when I returned to the table, I was still bothered.  Why was there a chair in the bathroom?  Maybe it's for a family, maybe parents who need to change their child would appreciate this badly stained chair.  This is not a social event like the women's room.  I'm not going to invite the other male in the party to come to the bathroom and have a deep meaningful discussion while I sit.  So I put the conversation on pause and aired my grievance.

Everyone else was thinking logically about it - maybe it's one of the dining room chairs that had something spilled on it and they were just trying to find a place to put it that is out of the way.  Well, in my mind, the dumpster is about as out of the way as it gets.

Outside of the bathroom, we had a wonderful dinner and a great time with friends.  My lovely wife won't let me make any songs like this one though, so I'll defer to Marshall.

You thought I was going to go a full post without a Seinfeld reference, didn't you?  RIP Mr. Pitt.

And for a little more toilet humor, check out this insightful video.  Thank you to Mr. Mahoney, my high school government and econ teacher for fully explaining bathroom etiquette to us one day during class. I can't remember all the details of checks and balances, but I'll never make a public restroom mistake again.

Given the topic here, I'll also give you this link to the CBS Colonoscopy Sweepstakes, brought to you by Sharon & Ozzy Osbourne.

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